dear livejournal-land,

i've moved on, you could say. archives and other such things shall remain in existence but all new writing/art/posts will now appear on the following page:

http://polysporia.blogspot.com

updates will be more frequent and awesome, promise.

comments and love will always be welcome.

xoxo

ms.nicky.borden

still haven't heard from massart yet, which is remarkably typical. "we'll be mailing out the letters next week," usually translates to, "maybe we'll get around to it sometime in march or april" in massart-speak. blargh.

in far more important news: I AM FINALLY A CRAZY AUNTIE!

yesterday evening around 5 p.m. baby andrew fleischmann arrived into this world after 16 hours of labor that ended in an eventual c-section. the sucker weighs in at over 11 lbs. and is 22 in. long, which is why it was ungodly impossible for my normally 110 lb. 5 ft tall sister to get him out.

i haven't seen him yet. actually, i ended up doing some time of my own in the e.r. yesterday for asthma stuff, which is getting pretty old now. hopefully i'll be able to see him tomorrow though. i am looking forward to all of the adventures of crazy-aunt-hood.

omg omg omg...

i had my msae interview today at massart.

it was basically said that i am in. i'm coming back.

omg.

ben and i are staying at my parents' for the weekend, watching the dogs while they're in amherst.

on the kitchen table there in a blank cd with a post-it affixed to it reading the following in my father's writing: "itchy asshole".

um. ok.

in the news:

things are weird, but getting better. i'm adjusting to ben's house. trying to get over all the bitterness of the past two weeks.

things that are good:

-not being homeless: living rent/utility free until we get on our feet. hard as it is to be living in an unfamiliar place, i am grateful that we are not on the streets and that our parents love us as much as they do.

-having a new clunker: while i am still mourning the death of ingrid the jetta i am glad that she's dead. she gave me nothing but grief and while i am still going to be paying for her for the rest of my natural born life, i feel liberated by the acquisition of my shitty yet-to-be-named dodge neon that is reliable enough to get me from A to B and not kill my wallet for gas. go neon, go!

-being an auntie: baby andrew is coming soon. i'm freaking out. jenn looks like a giant plum. i love it and can't wait til i can afford my own.

-work: i love my job. i love that my boss drove me to the hospital and wouldn't leave me until i kicked her out. i love that my kids left me v-day presents and get well cards that said "ms. nicky! eat chicken soup with soda on the side!"

-ben: oh ben, oh ben. i am sorry i am such a heinous bitch. i love you for buying me coffee every fucking day even if i screamed and hollared that my meds made it taste like fish.

mom and dad broke me out of the hospital today. the doctors wanted to keep me until monday, but i freaked out and begged to be released. my oxygen level seems decent and my coughing has calmed down... let's hope it keeps up.

my body is covered in bruises and holes. i look like some sort of junkie.

hospitals are so weird. time passes in the worst way. part of me was afraid to leave. crazy things have happened while i've been away. it seems my engine fell out of the freaking jetta on monday as ben and dad drove it to westport. i'm not even kidding. it fell the fuck out. no more jetta. wtf. still another... $3000.... left to pay off? awesome!

what else?

we moved in with ben's parents' out in e. providence. i have yet to really live there since being in the hospital all week,

um... blargh.

my veins are itchy.

blargh.

i've been in the hospital somewhere in weymouth since monday. it freaking sucks.

i cut my finger open at work this morning. i've never been a squeamish person in my life but seeing the skin tear open and the blood pouring from my hand made me sick in the worst way. i used the accident as a teaching moment, though. as i cleaned and bandaged my blood soaked hand i muttered, "see, kids, this is why you don't use scissors to pry crusty glue out of bottle caps!"

oh god.

ben and i went to the berkshires over the weekend. i'm beginning to think that once everything is settled down in life i'd like to move out there. even the winter is beautiful.

tommy comes back from costa rica today! i told him to bring me a coconut but he said they wouln't get it through customs.

someone send me somewhere exotic, please.

actually, a bag of money would do me much better...

my brother left for costa rica this morning. i am so so so jealous but i'm also psyched that he's doing something so cool.

i feel like i have something important to say. i just don't know what it is.

sorry.

my massart application hit the mailbox on monday... now it's off somewhere in postal service land. unless it's arrived. hopefully i'll get a call for an interview soon. i don't know what's scarier - getting accepted or rejected.

i am terrified.

gaaaah.

i'm not entirely sure what i mean by this -- i mean, i haven't explored the thought completely yet -- but, sometimes i miss my old life. not the passing out on people's couches and making sexual mistakes part of the old life... but the part that made me apply to massart for another round. the part when i'd be hunched up in front of a painting in the studio on a friday night, listening to the train go by that giant window and fumbling through xeroxes from grey's anatomy (back when it was just a book). i miss picking paint out of my hair. i miss being an art student, i guess.

i miss having internet at my apartment. however, now that i get to use it on the when-i-can basis it does gain novelty as a sort of treat.

we're supposed to go to the berksheres this weekend. it's been planned since about september but i don't know how we're going to magange with less than $100 to our names.

i've been havintg a really, really hard time dealing with all this lately.

-i have lost 5 lbs... really? i think there's been a weird miscalculation there.
-i am more broke now than i've ever been in my life.
-subsequently, the internet has been shut off. i'm updating from ben's parents' house.
-if i haven't called or made plans with you, it's not because i hate you. i just sort of hate myself.
-both cars are broken. i have no idea how i'll get to work monday, or how i'll pay for either to be fixed.

resolutions plans 2008:

ahem...

-kick the gym's ass at least 30-45 minutes each day.
-rediscover the joy of masturbation [or sex? whatever.]
-paint?
-go back to skool, fool.
-stop worrying about other fucking people
-keep my living space clean
-i dunno

resolutions are too formal for me. just another promise to myself to make and subsequently break. fuck that.
i just know there are things i want to get accomplished. i'm applying to MassArt this month. i miss it. i miss the work. the smell. the stigma of being poor and in art school. after being rejected from lesley last year i am feeling mildly terrified this time around. even if i did get my undergrad done at massart, i doubt it guarantees much of anything.

happy new year... almost.

xoxo
ms.nicky.b.

i can't recall the last time i haven't been able to fall asleep. how strange... i used to be an insomniac. now i work 70 hours a week.

ben is asleep and i am here on the couch... which is so surreal, really, since it's always the other way around.


i feel so old and weirdly comfortable. this is a tangent i suppose. i dunno. i just think of what i have with ben here. and how even when it's at its most frustrating, it feels like home. in past relationships i was always waiting for the bottom line. i waited for the commitment. when it wasn't there, i fucked around and fucked off. now, here i am... on the verge of engagement. i am so excited and terrified. i am both reveling in and questioning my every emotion.

aaaah, christmas is tuesday!

i am currently sitting in my living room, ben beside me, drinking mimosas and watching "christmas vacation".

we opened our christmas presents last night, because we're like that. ben bought me an amazing outfit from banana republic, a pair of boots, and two pairs of shoes. i love my gay boyfriend!

i've been so depressed these past few weeks, but i'm glad i've calmed down for the holidays.

i keep intending to write one of those insightful and cohesive entries, but i have shit for time these days...

maybe for new years?

there is this really weird smell emanating from somewhere within the apartment, but i'm truly in no mood to play "find that smell" tonight.

in spite of my day being mostly crappy, i will say that one of the highlights happened on the school bus this afternoon.

i'm sitting in the front of the bus, as usual, with one of my 2nd graders sharing the seat with me. he's a pretty squirrely kid usually, and spends most of the ride playing with a lego figure, bouncing around in the seat and chatting away with himself. suddenly he turns to me, completely serious, and says: "ms. nicky, i have to tell you something."

"yes, hun?"

he leans in a whispers into my ear:

"i am a ninja in training."

bwah hah hah!

oh, man.

uh, did you know that.... FEMINISTS ARE RUINING THE U.S. MILITARY?

read all about it!

a few gems:

"First, force young men, who already face the challenge of bringing their unruly spirits under the control of rigorous military discipline to face the even greater challenge of reining in their urgent, natural drives-while living, dining and sleeping in close quarters with women. Then mix in the young women, who, while ostensibly pursuing military careers, are expected to suppress their visceral drive to capture lifemates."

because i know that if one thing is true, if i can't nab me a husband, my first line of action is to join the military.

but, oh, there's more!

"Navy policy embraces pregnancy as an "acceptable" readiness problem (although almost half of pregnant "sailors" never return to their crews); fraternization among male and female crew members aboard ships contributes to serious morale problems; sexual harassment charges have become the favorite tool of some women to promote their own agendas."

aaaaaaack!

in the words of the ever wise 'lil jon: WHAAAAAT?!..... OKAY!!

in all honesty, i love the first amendment. i love that someone out there has the freedom to publish this silliness. oh, i do. it just saddens me that people think this way.

when did feminist become the f-bomb?

"oh, i'm not a feminist or anything. i just think that women have the right to _______."

how many times have you ever heard a woman say that? it makes me seethe...

ladies, it's okay to be a woman with self respect. hell, gentlemen, it's okay to be a feminist too.

pussy is not the only currency we take.


oh, sigh.

so, it's that time of year again when i find myself in the hospital... i came in saturday night around 10 p.m. and they're thinking of letting me out tomorrow, which i believe is tuesday. it's sort of nice, in a way, to have NOTHING on your agenda but to rest and get better. I can't help but obsess about work, but i'm thinking that's part of what got me in here in the first place.
work has turned into my life. i'm there from 6:45 a.m. to 6-6:45 p.m. every day [eight of those hours being paid for], i am trying so hard to make things work. i come home and i am exhausted, i go to bed, wake up, and do it all again. the weekends i mostly just catch up on sleep. i'm not sure how to balance this anymore.

i dunno.

whenever i feel the urge to update it's always when i need to say a million things at once...

in the news:

-ben and i got an apt. in fall river
-i got a raise and benefits at work
-we're getting a kitten for my birthday
-i have been caffeine free for about 3 weeks [i spent $85 in july on just coffee!]
-things are looking up! weeee!

sometimes i just can't handle even writing about new developments in my life anymore, since things have been so prone to change. i'm not even quite sure of the ground beneath my feet these days...

but as for right now, it seems my current job at the summer program in braintree has asked me to stay on full time through out the school year, working within their before/after school enrichment program. this comes with both insurance and a raise, but the drawbacks are in the sort of hours i'd be working... the kind that leave me with a 5 hour window between shifts in which i am too far to really go back to westport, but with nothing really to do in braintree.

i dunno. maybe it'll work out..